You remind me...

I am reading the amazing book, "Three Minus One".  If you ever want to read emotional writing written by people have been through what I have been through (and worse)so you can really get a grasp on it, read this book. If you know, if you know what I went through, you will think to yourself that it reminds you of me. It will remind you of the experiences I went through. It will remind you of the words I said and wrote down.

I was reading last night and so many of the entries remind me of Jack. His name is not brought up as much anymore. It comes up randomly with only certain people. People have moved on; and so they should. But I miss talking about Jack. I think about it him at least three to four times a day (I count). I talk to him every night when I put Samantha to bed. I say hi to him when I look at his picture and his urn. And I tell Samantha about him when I put her to sleep and when she holds onto my necklace. But I don't talk about the raw emotions that I feel. I don't talk about Jack to everyone like I talk about Samantha. And that makes me sad.

There are certain children I can not feel comfortable around. I look at them, I think of Jack. It's hard for me to be around these people. Sure, it's not often, but when it happens, I can't find the strength to act like it's normal. Maybe it's wrong of me. Maybe it's uncomfortable for people. But I'm sorry, I can't change how I feel.

Jack has taught me A LOT about life. He has taught me not take things for granted. He has taught me that life is short. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff and to appreciate the things and people I do have in my life. I try to be positive. I try to tell myself when I have a bad day that things could be worse. "Your baby died, Krysia, you can handle a rough day with 18 kindergarteners." Doesn't sound very positive I guess, but hey, whatever works. But the point is, my baby DID die. It was the worst experience I have ever faced and I know I WILL ever face. If something bothers me, I try to take a step back and remember that things really could be worse. And most importantly, Jack has taught me how to be a mother. He has taught me to love Samantha more than I thought I ever could. He has taught me to appreciate how truly amazing she really is. He has taught me to be thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY for her.

Anyway, as I continue to read this book, I am reminded of my emotions and feelings that I faced almost 3 years ago. I am thinking of Jack more each day than I have been in the past few months. And I am reminded that other women out there have gone through what I have gone through. And that helps.

If you would like to read a book, read this one. It's hard. It's sad. It's depressing. But it's amazing. It's amazing what these people went through and how they are still standing.

Conversations

I talked about you the other day. I told the story about you. It's been a while. I haven't talked about it and my emotions that I felt in October of 2011. Tears came to my eyes, but I held them in as much as I could. I talked about my questioning of faith. I talked about how much I needed and wanted you but you were just taken from me with no reason. I talked about how much I regret not birthing you naturally. I talked about how I almost chose not to see your beautiful face. I talked about how I was blessed with your sister soon after losing you. I talked about how it hurt beyond explanation when I lost you. 

I miss you, Jack. I miss talking about you. I even miss the raw emotions I felt almost two years ago. I never wish that to happen again, but I would like to relive the moment of seeing you again. I would like to relive the moment when I felt you inside of me. 

Please know, my son, that you are constantly on my mind and always in my heart. Time has made things easier and I am almost ok, but I miss you just as much as I did back then. 

It's been a while....

My beautiful baby boy is always on my mind. He's around my neck. He's in my living room. There's a piece of him in my heart. And there is a piece of my heart missing because he's not with us. Everyday that goes by, when little things get to me, I stop and say to myself, "take a deep breath, Jack is watching over you, and remember the important things in life". I am guilty of not realizing that there are things I should let go of, things I should not care about so much, and there are things I have no control over. And I still hope that people can let go of the trivial things and realize what matters most. I think of Jack at these moments and ask him to just help me get by. I ask him to keep our little family strong. I can't believe it will be 3 years this year. I can't believe that I have to ask my son for the strength I need versus him looking to me. My little angel is so important to us. 

Cancer

My uncle is very sick. He has a brain tumor. He has cancer. They removed it a few weeks ago and recommended chemo and radiation, however, as the stubborn man that he, he refused. Now, as of yesterday, we know that the tumor has returned and even almost doubled in size. He NOW is accepting the fact that he needs chemo patches, radiation, and medication. I do not usually feel too much sadness for family sickness. It's more distant. It's not my immediate family. It doesn't hurt as bad. However, this time, it's a little different. It's one of my father's brothers. It's an uncle who I lived with when I moved to Miami. It's an uncle that I consider a second father. It's an uncle who is the father to the cousins whom I am closest to. So it IS scary. It IS worrisome. And it IS concerning me. It's sad. Not only am I worried for him, but I'm worried for his wife who I really consider a mother figure. I'm worried for his sons and daughters who I am very close to and really consider my sisters and brothers.
I visited my uncle yesterday. He is doing ok; a little "out of it". He's a strong man who I know will fight a bitter fight. He's not one to give up easily. So I am hoping for the best.


When I visited him, I went to the same hospital where I lost Jack, where I had Samantha, and where my father spent many days. It was a mix of such different emotions that I can not even put them into words. That hospital is such a bittersweet place for me. It brings me such joy but at the same time such sadness.

Month of March

March has arrived. The year is already slipping by. Yes, it's only the 3rd month of 2014 but it's already the 3rd month of 2014. I can't believe it. Before we know it, we will be celebrating Samantha's 2nd birthday and Jack's 3rd. I look around and everyone's lives are moving on and moving forward. Our family's life included. But back there, in the back of my mind, in the core of my soul, and in my heart, Jack is always lingering. People don't bring him up as much anymore, Sean and I don't talk about him everyday like we used to, and our lives continue to move on. However, I still belong to that day. October 3, 2011. It's still engrained in my mind and carved into my heart. I'm doing OK. I can say that I lost my son and not cry. When I talk about Jack, my heart warms and my stomach does a little turn but the tears don't fall. But a part of me is still stuck on that day. It will always be where a piece of me remains. That piece of me can NEVER move forward, it can never go towards the future, it can never forget. That piece of me is still sobbing at the sight of a flat line. That piece of me is still in shock. That piece of me still feels the heaviness of my dead baby inside of me.

Valentine's Day

My husband is not always one to buy me flowers and chocolates and cards even on holidays like Valentine's Day. Yeah I know it's not a big deal but I think every girl wants and even deserves a little something for birthdays and holidays. 

Well this year, he got me flowers, chocolates, and two cards; one from him and one from Samantha. The one from Samantha was the best of course. Not only do I get to say I get a card "from" my daughter, but I was able to get a peak into Sean's mind about what he thinks of me as a mother. And it made me feel proud and loved. :-)

 

And yet again...

We really can not catch a break in our little family. A week ago, Sean was in the emergency for kidney stones that he has yet to pass. And yesterday evening we rushed to the ER with Samantha because she fell off her slide (a SMALL slide at that) and landed on her arm in a bad way. After MANY X-rays to make sure to get the perfect picture of her elbow, it turns out Samantha broke her arm. My 18 month old daughter now has a bright pink cast on her left arm. Her screams after her fall killed me, her screams at the hospital made me sob. All I did was ask Jack to watch over his baby sister and make sure she was ok. When they said possible surgery, I said to Jack "please not that". Nurses and technicians looked at me crying and were concerned because they had to make her suffer by moving her around for the X-rays. I told them I know they had to, but her cries KILLED me and made me just let tears roll. Sean was amazing and held onto her the entire time helping them with the positions.

I can NOT believe it. I can NOT believe my baby girl has to suffer for 3 weeks in a cast. All I want to do is cry. All I want to do is hold her and tell her it will be ok. All I want to do is turn back time and not take her outside for that one more time before giving her a bath. All I want to do is take the pain away from her and put it on myself.

I just want to go on and not have to have hospital visits or illnesses or deaths. I want some GOOD to continue in my life.