Can I please go back???

I had a dream last night that I delivered Jack how I should have. How he deserved. I woke up and wished it was true, but it wasn't. I wish so much that I could turn back time and do it all over again. In my dream, my doctor convinced me to do it naturally. He warned me that I shouldn't do a C-section. I do remember his hesitation when I said I just want him out. I said, "I just want this to be a surgery that I can put behind me". Why? Why the hell did I think like that? Jack wasn't just a surgery that I should have put behind me. He is my son and he deserved to be delivered the way he was supposed to be. I want to scream and pound my head against a wall. I want to be able to go back and FIX this. I would love to go back and save my son from dying. I would love to be more careful and realize that he wasn't moving sooner. I would love to go back and monitor him better. But if I could just go back and give birth to him naturally, I would greatly appreciate at least that. Please?

I remember when...

As I was driving today, some song came on that reminded me of the time when Sean and I were dealing with infertility. Before Samantha, before Jack... It was such a bumpy road. It was filled with negative signs, tears, and disappointment. I remember how jealous I felt. I was even jealous of my mother's dog who got pregnant. I cried every time my period came because I hoped that THAT would be month that I was finally pregnant. I cried every time I saw a minus sign instead of a plus. I got mad because I became a professional at reading an ovulation stick and calendar. I remember the breaking of my heart when I heard the word of diagnosis: infertile.

It seems so long ago that all this happened and I felt all these feelings. It's such a difficult journey to be on and again, something that I do not wish upon anyone. But our little miracles did happen. After a long and difficult road of infertility, we were blessed with our baby Jack. Our IVF miracle. Our lucky draw. Our beautiful baby boy that we were blessed with after years of trying. That's why I still and will never believe or fathom WHY he would be taken from us. What the heck did Sean and I do to deserve to have him taken from us after we had already been put through hell and back? How is that fair? We struggled so long to finally become pregnant with him, and then poof, he's gone. But now, we are blessed with a beautiful baby girl who I look at everyday and am SO grateful for. I appreciate her every single day. I love seeing her face everyday. I can watch her for hours. She is our miracle baby. I love her so much.

Time flying once again

It's almost July. I can't believe it. Before we know it, Samantha will be 1 and before we know it, Jack will be 2. I want to pause things for just a little bit. I want to have Jack's memory more fresh and I want Samantha to stay small just a little longer. As a mom, I really do comprehend how fast years go by. It seems like yesterday that I was holding Jack and then holding Samantha.

October not only marks Jack's birthday; it also marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness. A group I have on Facebook is doing a hot air balloon ride and releasing heart shaped, plantable confetti with names on them. I added Jack to that list of over 200 babies. I like to remember my baby boy in any way and in as many ways as possible. I think this is a beautiful way....

2013 Remembrance

Stillbirthday’s second annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance event will be a hot air balloon ride, on Friday, October 4, at approximately 4pm.

25 Years of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

On Sean's behalf

Father's Day has come and gone. Sean got texts and calls from people like I did for Mother's Day. And he got the one like me "happy first father's day". He muttered under his breath: it's not my first father's day. He knows that, I know that, Jack knows that. Sometimes I think it's so much harder for Sean. Well, let's say different. He is the guy. He is the one who is supposed to be strong. He is the one who isn't supposed to break down and cry. But one memory that will ALWAYS stay with me is when we poured Jack's ashes at Rocky Lake among all our friends, even the guys, Sean was crying. He was crying a lot. His heart has been broken just like mine has but not as many people realize that because he doesn't have a blog or the ability to talk to others. But he hurts too. Happy Father's Day to my husband and the father of my children.

Shower with a chance of thunder and lightening

Ohhhh, baby showers. I used to love them. I used to think they were so cute and they made me so happy. My baby shower for Jack was something I was so excited about, it made me so happy, and I was thrilled to finally celebrate MY pregnancy and MY baby. But then my world came crashing down and I lost the baby I was so excited to celebrate. And I had a bunch of gifts in an empty room.
Now baby showers just scare me. But this is the one feeling I AM trying to get over. Girls (and guys) should celebrate their pregnancy and be happy for themselves. And of course get lots of gifts. I want to be able to celebrate my friends' pregnancies and take part in the event. I want to be able to plan showers for my friends that were there for mine. I want to help them be excited that they are about to experience the most amazing thing in the world: motherhood. Of course the fear strikes. What if? And that fear will always be there, but happiness has to be there too. And to me, baby showers used to do that. Sure I may not go to every baby shower I'm invited to. I may not go to every shower of people that I am not very close to so I don't have to put myself through possible misery. Especially if it's for a boy. But I want to be able to celebrate friends' babies. And the memories I have of Jack from my baby shower were only good ones. I was so happy. I was so in love with him. And I need to embrace those memories. Jack, just know that no one will ever replace you and no matter what I do, whether it's a smile or a laugh or an "oh and ah" at a baby shower, you are the one who will be on my mind.

Movie

Well I did it. Thanks to help from friends and family, I made the donation. I got more than half what I needed and I could not be happier! So now I wait for confirmation and Jack's name will be in the credits of the movie. I really hope this movie makes it and I can see his name on the screen. I want to take every opportunity I have in order for his name to be "out there". I try to take every opportunity so that our story about Jack can be heard. I want his name to be part of something this important. It will be so amazing and I can only hope that it will actually happen. It will be so hard to watch the movie, but it's so important and I want people to watch it. Let's break the silence.

Donations

So for the Return to Zero movie, there is a part where you can donate at least $250.00 in order to put the name of the baby lost in the section called "In Memory of..." in the credits of the movie. I would feel so touched to see Jack's name on the big screen. Or even the small screen. And to be part of this movie, which to me, is such a big deal. My darling cousin put together an email that we sent to some people. I felt pretty pushy and annoying doing it, but it's very important to me, and I do believe that a lot of people in my life would love to be part of the reason why his name is in the credits. So first of all, thank you, Ania, for motivating me and for doing the email. And thank you to all those who donated. And here is the link to PayPal in case any one here wants to donate:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=77ANE3D8QJBQ6