Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy family, friends, and yummy food. I like the holiday. I used to really love the holiday. I loved going to Morris and spending time there eating all the great food my aunts would cook. I loved being out there with my cousins just having the time of our innocent lives. I loved spending time in Dunstable. We were so young and naive that the only important thing was getting drunk and having a great time. Those were some of the best times of my life and I miss going there so much. I keep saying how I have to go there, but I really need to actually DO it. After moving to Miami and eventually starting my life with Sean, I spent my Thanksgivings with his family. I do really think they are an amazing family and I do feel lucky to have in laws like them. Now, Thanksgiving is a bit bittersweet. I know I have things I am very thankful for. I listed and described in a previous post. I have such an amazing family that I am honored to be a part of. I have such great childhood memories that I am so grateful for. I have the best support system of friends that I feel so lucky to have. I can only hope that I am as supportive and loving to them as they are to me. I have a husband that still makes me laugh and has picked me up in my darkest times. I have amazing children that have made me the mother I am which is something I have always dreamed about. But Thanksgiving is also a time that brings sadness to my heart and mind. Every holiday, Jack is missing. I am always wishing that he is here with us, but especially during holidays like today, I feel the piece of my heart missing. I get angry and bitter asking the universe how can I be grateful for anything when my son was taken from me. Thanksgiving is now also a memory of my dear, dear father's funeral. This time last year, I was in Poland burying my father. I can't believe it's been a year already and I still can't believe he's gone. I miss him more than I ever thought I would.
But through all the pain and heartache, through all the painful memories, through all the tears, I know I can at least say that do have people and things in my life that I am grateful for.

Thank you.

What a week....

Last week was pretty hard on me. Things piled up relating to my loss and I had a mini breakdown. I had to deal with some stupid remarks. People don't know how to handle the situation, I get that. But I do not understand why some people do not think about what words they use before comparing, relating, or talking about my loss. Yes it's been 2 years and yes people go through heart ache and hard times. But don't think you get what Sean and I have been through. You have no idea until you deliver and hold your dead baby.
Another thing that happened was that I was talking to a student of mine. I know he has one big sister in the school with him. He mentioned having a brother so I asked him how many other sisters and brothers he has. He went on and told me his siblings and said, my mom would have had more babies but she lost one. Ugh... I told him how sad that is and that that happened to me too. I can only picture that Samantha will be asked that question all the time in her future. Will she answer like that? Will she talk about her angel brother?
Then I dealt with family. Oh family. You gotta love them, right? Well you would also think that family knows you best and saw you when you were going through losing your son. Well if that's the case, why are you going to say things about only having one grandson? Or why are you going to tell me that Samantha needs siblings? Rub it in.
Well after dealing with all this, I was out with friends and had to have my mini breakdown in a bathroom. I can't always hold it in. I just can't. I have my moments alone, I talk and cry to Jack, and I have this blog. But sometimes I just have to let it out to someone. Especially someone other than Sean so I can let out the anger and the frustration. I'll tell you this, I'm not the same person and it's still so, so hard. I cry again as I write this....

Here for you

I would like to think that I am there for my friends and family and for the people I care about. I try my hardest to reach out when I feel that it is needed. I like to check in on friends every now and then to make sure their days are going well, especially when they are having a hard time. I would also like to think that I don't compare my situations to theirs. I try to be understanding, I try to be sympathetic, and I try my best to give what I believe to be the best advice I can give. My mother was diagnosed with dementia at 65 years old. She has not "been there" for me since before my wedding day. My father died when I was 31. To me, I would think most people would want their fathers and their children's grandfather around much longer. I have been through the worst experience anyone can go through (in my opinion) and I have survived. And to top it off, I had a serious back surgery. I believe I have had some hard sh*t in my life in the past few years. Correct me if I am wrong, please. However, I do not want to compare my problems and situations with anyone else's. Everyone has their crappy moments and everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. No matter the situation, I want to be there for the people who were there for me. I want to be there for the people who tried to be there for me without saying something negative or just plain idiotic. You don't know how it feels to be in my shoes. Only people who have been through what I have been through can say they UNDERSTAND how I feel. They can't say they KNOW how I feel. Everyone is different. But to my friends, to the people that have been there for me through thick and thin, and who are one of the reasons why I am alive today, I thank you. You were there for me without question, comparison, or judgement. You were understanding and sympathetic without being callous or cruel. The least I can do is be there for you at your hard moments. The one thing that I can say (I have said it before and I will say it again) is that you will be OK. One day, you will wake up and realize that life is going on and you are OK.

Thankful

I am thankful for the family I grew up with. I have amazing parents. I could not have asked for better role models. I had an amazing childhood that I would not have had changed for the world. My mother was always there for me. She was like my friend. My father was the most kindhearted man I know. He would have done anything for his three girls. My sister is always there for me. Yes we have had ups and downs and there were times when we did not agree or get along. But through it all, I know I can count on my sister no matter what. I am thankful for all my cousins and aunts and uncles. I am so proud to say that I am a Grocholski. My family has a great and rich history and it makes me so honored to be a part of it. I have cousins that I consider my best friends. I have cousins that are more like siblings to me.


I am thankful for my friends. I have old friends who I have known for many years and friends who I met and became close to in recent years. But there are the select few that have been there for me, who are there for me, and who I know I can count on in the future. I have learned over the years that not everyone sticks around and you don't always remain friends with people. But there are the select few friends you can count on no matter what. The friends that I have that I know I can believe in are the ones I am most grateful for. Without them and their constant care for me, I would not be where I am today.


I am thankful for Sean. I still have fun with him. I love spending time with him. I continue to get butterflies when he shows up unexpectedly somewhere. Sean and I have been through a lot. We have had drama in the past, we have had our ups and downs, and even more so, we have been through hell and back. And of course, we have been blessed. Through it all, I could not imagine doing it with anyone else. Sean has proven to me that he is the one person I want and need in my life until the end. Sean is the father to my children that I always imagined him to be. It gives me such joy to watch him with Samantha and it gives me such pride to listen to him talk about Jack.


I am thankful for Samantha. I am in awe every single day at her beauty and how smart she is. She has an amazing spirit. She has the ability to make me smile even on my darkest days. She has brought hope back into our lives and I can honestly say she was worth waiting for. Sean and I are blessed and we are grateful that our daughter is so easy going, so happy, and so intelligent. We are overwhelmed with how wonderful she is. I am so thankful everyday for my Samantha, my daughter, my rainbow baby, my miracle.


I am thankful for Jack. My first child, my son, my baby who made me a mother. Being pregnant with Jack made me so happy. It gave me hope and reason that my life had turned around after dealing with infertility. I had never felt such happiness and love in my entire life. I was finally pregnant and I was finally a mother. It was a feeling I had wanted for so long, and my son, Jack, was the reason why I finally felt that. The love I felt for Jack as he was inside of me and the love I feel for Jack now make the person I am today. Losing Jack was the hardest thing I have ever been through but it has made me the person I am today as well. It also makes me realize how short our lives are and how much we need to express our love and gratitude.


We should show appreciation often because you never know. But if not everyday, let this month of November help you take time to thank the people in your lives and realize all the little things that you should be grateful for. If only I could have held Jack a little longer and told him thank you. If only I could have let my father know how much I appreciated his kindness and love. If only my mother could understand how much I appreciated our relationship as I grew up. These are things I may not be able to do, but I will kiss Samantha a few more times this month. I will tell Sean "I love you" more often. I will reach out to my sister more just to say hi. I will let my friends know how much they mean to me. My life has been one hell of a roller coaster and I know the bumps and loops are not over, but I also do have a lot of ups in my life and for those, I am truly grateful.

Children

My Samantha is amazing. She puts a smile on my face. When she gives me hugs, my heart literally skips a beat. As I watch her play or look at a book, I can't help but be proud. I appreciate her, I am grateful for having a daughter like her, and I will always believe that she is a miracle. So people may wonder and think that I should just be grateful for her and that should help me with my sadness about Jack. Think about that for a second. Which of your children would you choose to live without? No one should live without any of their children. No one should lose a child. It is painful, it sucks, and it makes me cry to this day. Samantha makes the days a little bit easier and she helps me live my life with love and for my family. But I miss my Jack. And I hate that I can't just see him one more time.