Another year, another chapter

2014 is coming to a close. And it's another year that I don't have people in my life that I would kill to have here. 

I have spent the past couple of days with my sister and my mother. My mother of course is still unaware, still not there, and still no my mom the way I want to remember her. I observed how Samantha touches her or talks to her and my mother's response is like a stab in the heart. When she was my mom, she was in need of grandchildren. When she was my mom, she would have loved Samantha so much. When she was my mom, I would have been grateful to have her as Samantha's Bunia. Now Samantha spending time with her is more of an obligation to me so she at least knows who she is. Another year without my mom.

Of course as we spend time together, Papa is missing as well. Not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. It literally pains me that he does not know Samantha at this stage in her life. He would be so in love and so proud of her. It pains me that I can't smell my father one more time. I can't hear his laugh. And I can't feel the touch of his hand holding onto mine. Another year without Papa.

And my Jack Jack. My Prince. Let me count the stars and that still would not amount to the number of times that I think of having him in my arms. I was able to be "near" him Christmas night. I told him how much I wish I was able to give him a Christmas gift. To dress him up in Christmas pajamas. To watch him open presents. And to spend these holidays with him. Watching Samantha and having the moments with her is amazing but at the same time, I know I should be having the moments with her brother. Another year without Jack.

I am hoping for a good 2015. My years are never truly happy because I always have parts of me missing. My heart will never be healed enough to be truly happy. But I do wish for happiness for my family and friends. And their happiness would make me a little bit happier in the new year.

Here it comes

The holidays are a special time that I loved and still do. Slightly. But it's also the time when I miss Jack and my dad and my mom the most. I want to watch Jack open his gifts at Christmas. I want my dad to give me a hug and sit with us during Christmas Eve dinner. I want my mom to be the grandmother she's supposed to be to my children. 

And again, these are the negative things I don't have control over. These are the things that hurt my heart and affect my brain and make me lose sleep and make me have breakdowns while driving. 

I'm sorry to all of you who lost loved ones too soon who can't be with you this holiday season. I'm sorry to all those people who's parents and grandparents can't be with them. It plain sucks. I just hope that they are "with" us in some way or another.

Life in Negative Town

Don't you hate it when you're brain can't stop and it's all the negative thoughts? You lose sleep because you can't stop about everything that is unfair. You feel bitter and jealous. Well if you never felt that way, then stop reading because I don't want to be a discouraging b*tch. 

I miss being naive and stupid. I miss not having everything in my life that I want not in front of me. And it's things I can't fight to get back or fight to get at all. I miss not being bitter and jealous of things that I can't have anymore. I miss being happy for people without that bitter feeling lingering behind. I miss just being happy for the things I have like my job, my husband, my daughter, my friends, my sister... Instead, there is always something missing. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my life have been taken away. Things I want now or in the future, I can't have. Those are the thoughts and feelings that overcome my brain and heart. They keep me up at night. They take over the rest of me. They have changed me forever.

15

October 15....

Jack's due date. I remember being so excited that he would be an October baby. Fall is my favorite season. The holidays would have been coming up. My little pumpkin. But instead, I grieved his loss and had to spend the beautiful fall days crying wishing the my son was with me.

October 15.....

Sean planted the tree for Jack. His tree is 3 years old. It's beautiful. I just wish it was a tree to celebrate his life instead of his death. Now we worry that if we move, we would have to figure out how to take the tree with us or if we would leave it behind. It might just keep us here.

October 15.....

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day worldwide. People around the world light a candle at 7 PM in every time zone to remember babies lost. Just so happens to be the same day as Jack's due date and the day we planted his tree. I think about it and if we did not lose Jack, I would never know. I would be blind to such a pain and such a day. I would be in the dark about it. Sure if I had a glimpse into someone else's world of loss I would feel bad. I would sympathize, but then I would think to myself, that will never happen to me. But instead, I'm part of the statistic and part of this world of baby loss. And I wish no one had to be.

October 3, 2014

12:20 AM -- Sean comes home from working late so that we are able to leave for Rocky Lake right when I get home from work today. Of course, I look at the time and realize the 3rd has come. And all I think about is how much I miss Jack.

12:35 AM -- I had just fallen asleep as Sean came into bed. Then Samantha wakes us up screaming. Sean goes into her room to check if her fever has come back. It did. And bad. Sean brings Samantha into bed. And right away, both of us say "Of course. This has to happen today." Sean starts to freak out that something serious is the matter. Samantha calls for me over and over again as I try to comfort her. Right away my mind goes to Jack and I just ask him to watch over his sister and make sure she's ok.

1:00 AM to 3:00 AM -- Samantha continues to cry and complain. We have never seen a side like this to her. Even when she's sick, she sleeps through the night. All she is doing is crying, dozing off and on, then waking up and crying again. During the times I am awake, which is most of the night, all I am thinking of how the time around Jack's birthday has become this black cloud. All I want to do is CELEBRATE his remembrance, but instead I am cursed with back surgery and days of forced rest or my daughter gets very sick and I can't do anything but worry about her. Visiting Rocky Lake is like visiting his grave site. I don't have the tombstone to kneel at. I don't have the head stone to put flowers or toys near. Instead, I have Rocky Lake where we spread his ashes and to me, that is just as sacred. And I would like to visit him.

4:05 AM -- Samantha finally falls into a deep sleep while lying on top of me. Her breathing is very fast and shallow. As her fever makes both of us start to sweat, I move her carefully between Sean and me. She begins to cry again and then finally falls back asleep. I think to myself that as morning comes, my packing and prepping for Rocky Lake were probably all for nothing.

5:55 AM -- Samantha is sleeping right against me. All I want to do is sleep more but know I have to get up soon to get to work. I don't want to try to sleep until my alarm goes off risking it waking up Samantha. So I get up earlier than usual and get read for work. I let Sean know I am leaving and tell him to take Samantha to the doctor and to update me as much as possible. Instead of him getting us ready to leave for weekend away, we are now worried about what could be wrong with our daughter. But all I can do is hope that she is better now that she is finally asleep and we will be on our way to Rocky Lake to visit Jack and celebrate his birthday in a few hours.

7:00 AM to 12:00 PM -- I am at work. Co-workers say hello and ask how I am with no idea that 3 years ago today, I experienced the worst thing anyone should go through. People say "Happy Friday!" in the hallways as I simply cringe at the word happy. I write "October 3, 2014" on the board and put a 3 on my October calendar. I watch as my students write the date on their tests. I listen as they say the date as they write. I have to say it as some students ask me what it is. "It's my son's birthday", I want to say.  But instead, I focus on work and try to make it an easy day for all of us. Easy day. Ha. What a concept for October 3rd.

1:00 PM -- I got to lunch with co-workers as Sean takes Samantha to the doctor.

1:30 PM -- I am meeting with co-workers and helping do necessary paperwork and filing for the school.

1:57 PM -- I get a text from Sean saying "They are saying pneumonia" and that he is going to the ER to do X-rays to confirm or deny it. I tell my co-worker that as I continue to work. A few minutes pass, and I realize I can barely concentrate. The order of the papers I am doing is a blur and the tears in my eyes begin to well up. I can not believe this is happening TODAY. I mean COME ON! Not to be selfish here, but what the hell did I do to deserve such bad luck??? 3 years ago, I lose my son. 1 year ago, I have back surgery and can't move. And now this?

2:21 PM -- I let my co-worker know I have to go. I can't pretend anymore and I need out of work. She is very kind (unknowing of Jack) and tells me to go ahead.

3:00 PM to 8:00 PM -- I walk into the ER and see Sean, Samantha, and a friend. I ask if this has become some joke that I can't go to Rocky Lake for Jack's birthday, but instead have to spend it in hospitals and in medical conditions. If there is a God, is He really this unfair? Tests continue, time passes, tears flow. Samantha has pneumonia. Sean and I go back and forth on the idea of still leaving for the weekend. We both consider it and both want to. I'm exhausted. I still am tired from night before. However, we are packed and ready to go. But it's getting late. I don't want to torture Samantha with a long car ride. And then I realize, I still have her prescription to fill. As of now, plans for Rocky Lake are canceled.

9:15 PM -- We are finally home. We light 3 lanterns for 3 years. We set them up into the sky. We have our heads up as we watch the lanterns float up into the sky. The weird thing is, I don't cry. I barely cried today. Is that bad? Am I supposed to have bawled my eyes out like I did the past 3 years? Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe Samantha "stole her brother's thunder" like I kept telling her today. Whatever the case may be, I feel heavy and sad, but I haven't had the closure of a break down or a good cry. I feel isolated. I feel different. I feel like I have changed. I feel like I can't smile or have fun. I feel like I don't deserve it.

Now -- Samantha is in her bed, asleep. I am very tired. I am going to sleep now. I wish I could hold my son just one more time. I wish I could be there in that OR 3 years ago and hold onto him for a few more seconds. Stare at him for one more minute. Take more pictures of him. But I can't. And even after 3 years, these feelings feel just as fresh as they did that day if not more because the time has passed and I feel like I am losing him more and more. And that is why I am not the same person.

Happy 3rd birthday, Jack. My prince. We miss you. We miss you more than these words can describe. We miss you more than those lanterns can light the sky. Please know that no matter where I am, I am thinking of you. I know it's not the same. But no matter what, your family loves you.

October 2014

The hardest month of the year for me is upon us. October. October. October. Monday hit and I felt like I hit a wall. It felt like a ton of bricks came down to rest on my shoulders. Things just went wrong throughout the week whether it be a broken projector, tearing up to a fellow co-worker because she noticed how sad I was, a fever blister, a bad day with students, or of course, to top it all off, a sick Samantha with a fever.  Friday is creeping up on me. And I'm literally scared sh*tless. I'm scared of how I will feel that morning. I'm scared of how I will handle myself throughout the day. And I'm scared that Jack will not be remembered by me as he should be. I'm scared that 3 years is too long. I'm scared because I am supposed to have a son in my arms and I might not think about him enough. I'm scared that I will feel too much guilt. I am scared of how much it will hurt.

When I lost Jack, it was devastating. Words can not express what the emotions I felt were like. The one year mark was very painful. I couldn't believe that I had lost my son a year ago. I couldn't believe that he was gone. And I could not believe that so much time had passed. Year two was filled with guilt because of my back surgery. Two years was even MORE time than one year and I couldn't believe where the time had gone. Year two made me only imagine a little boy running around and holding and kissing his little sister. And now, year 3 is upon us. Year three is hard. Very hard. It's been 3 years. So yes, that's a long time. I can't believe that EVEN more time has passed. But at the same time, it seems like yesterday. It's a weird one. It's a long time, but it's not. I feel like I want to be alone. I feel like nothing and no one will make feel better. Samantha makes me smile and all I want to do is love her and cuddle her (especially since she is sick), but this week, I just want to stay under the covers alone and cry myself to sleep over and over again.  I don't know if this year's remembrance will take place at Rocky Lake or at home. I don't know if I will be caring for a sick baby. I don't know how things will turn out. But I do know that Jack is in my heart, on my mind, and missing from our lives.

What else to say for today... other than I am just down. Really, really down. And I still can not believe that my son is gone.

Missing Papa

It's been two years since Papa passed away. And everyday I see Samantha grow, it hurts me more and more that he's not here to see here. I know, I know. He's "watching" over her, but it's not the same. Trust me. Not having a parent around to be a grandparent for your child is really, really hard. Especially when that parent was so awesome and he was so in love with Samantha. I wonder if this is how my parents felt about the fact that my sister and I did not have time with our grandparents. Because it really hurts. But of course, I can't ask them. 

Papo, you were the most amazing, kind, and loving father. I am so happy and proud that I am able to call you my father. I miss you. I miss you so much. I'm sorry for all the times I did not show the appreciation you deserved. I'm sorry I did not spend more time with you when I should have. I am so happy that you got to meet Samantha. And it makes me so sad that you can't be a physical part of her life. I do hope that you are with Jack though. Kocham cie.