Beautiful love

This is what I stare at every morning.

I can't explain the feeling I get when I look at her. Tears of joy fill my eyes as my heart grows because my love for her is so big that it takes up so much space. I have loved anything or anyone so much. I can stare at her for hours. And then of course, my mind moves to Jack. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he's not here and I can't do this to him and I am not saying those words about him. The tears of joy are taken over by tears of sadness.

Rainbow

"Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

Weekend away

We took our weekend trip to Rocky Lake. It was beautiful, the weather was perfect, and the scenery was amazing for pictures. Only thing missing was Jack. These are the moments I dreaded. As I stood among the flowers with my husband and my daughter, all I could think about was my necklace and how I wish Jack was with us instead of around my neck. It saddens me to know that he won't be part of these moments and I will dread each picture we take without him.
We lit lanterns in his memory over the lake. It was beautiful. All our friends were there. Our amazing friends who help us celebrate our son. I don't know where we would be without them. And I thank the stars every night for our support system.

Trips

This weekend with be Samantha's first trip to rocky lake. I've looked forward to this moment for a while. First, I couldn't wait for Jack to go up there. I wanted to spend time with us there, be in pictures, learn things from his dad, and make memories with us. Instead, we had to spread his ashes up there. It's not fair. Now, I have been waiting to take Sam up there so she can make memories with us and so she can see where we put her brother to rest. I wish Jack was with us. We should be a family of 4 going up there....

Driving

The weather is gorgeous. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and there is barely any humidity. It's beautiful out. I drive with the windows down and the music nice and loud. Samantha is in the backseat "talking". These are the moments I pictured with Jack. These are the moments I looked forward to. The weather is getting so nice and that all we want to do is be outside. Samantha is with me all the time. I love walking her in this weather. I love sitting outside with her. I can't wait to take her away this weekend. But through all this beauty and smiling, Jack is missing. He is always in my mind and in my heart. I can't help but think, he should be here. But I am so happy that Sam is here. It's just bittersweet....

Crash!

My life has become one hell of an emotional roller coaster. Things are down (infertility), things go up (free IVF and getting pregnant), things go WAY down (loss of Jack), things go up (getting pregnant), things go even more up (giving birth to Samantha), things go down (losing my father), things go up and level out (having and being able to spend time with my Samantha). I am just waiting for the next emotional turn. Which way will it go? Up or down? Maybe it was because I was sick or because I flew to NYC for a night, but I am EXHAUSTED! This roller coaster ride is finally catching up to me and I am ready for a break. I feel like I have hit a low and I am so tired and emotionally drained. I want to sit with Samantha in my lap and Sean by my side and just watch the world go by. I just want things to level out and stay this way for a while. Sure I have the stresses of life like finances, getting a job, etc, but I just don't want any major problems. Is that too much to ask? I am just so, so tired and I have finally crashed from this hell ride.
Next weekend we are going to Rocky Lake and I am so looking forward to that getaway!

Without you

I am on my way back from NYC. I was there for a service for my father. It was emotional and very nice day filled with friends and family and kind words and hugs and tears. I can't remember who or how many people came up to me about it, but more than one person came up to me saying how when they spoke to my father, all he could do was rave about Samantha and how happy he was. Tears flow as I hear this news. It's not new news but hearing it from people I don't talk to normally made it amazing news. My father being able to meet Samantha is something that I cherish, something that I am so grateful for, and something I will remind her about as much as possible. I am so glad I have pictures of those moments. He was able to meet his granddaughter and now he is taking care of his grandson.