Years...

The 20th of this month marks 2 years since losing my father. And then of course, October 3rd marks 3 years since losing Jack. As I think of these days, my chest already tightens and my eyes begun to water. The pain feels good because it brings me close to them, but it also hurts because I wish it wasn't so. 3 years is a long time, but at the same time, it's not a long time. The pain is still fresh, but I'm sure people expect me to have moved on or to be over it. But it's the opposite. The pain is still there and it hurts even more because Jack isn't the topic on my lips all the time. It hurts even more because people don't remember that his birthday is upon us. It hurts even more because I should have a 3 year old boy by my side. 

Losing my father hurts me more because he's not here to be part of Samantha's life. It kills me that she can't get to know him. And it kills me that he can't see the child she has become. He would be obsessed with her. I don't have the closure I need to feel of Samantha having met my parents as grandparents. And I will never have that closure and it will hurt me for the rest of my life.

I loved the fall months. I loved this time of year. But now, as the weather cools, as the holidays approach us, I begin to feel more and more heart ache as the days pass. 

Another new beginning

So I have started a new job. I am enjoying it. I love my co-workers, I love my bosses, and I love the school. I hope it's for the long run.

However, new job means new people. And new people means people who don't know about Jack. Sure I have talked about Samantha. But Jack hasn't "come up" yet. I feel guilty that I don't talk about him. But do I randomly say, "by the way, I have a son too but he died." It came up in conversation with one person and I told her about him right away. But only because it was a moment when it made sense to talk about him. And of course she got "chills" and you can hear the sympathy in her voice. 

Argh, it's hard. So hard. And I miss him. And his memory seems to be getting too distant and that scares the sh*t out of me. I can't believe it's almost 3 years. I don't want time to go by so fast because I feel like it will fade too much. No matter what though, he crosses my mind all day, everyday.... 

Papa's Birthday

It is not the first time his birthday has come around without him here, but his birthday is a day when I miss my father even more than usual. I think about him all the time, but days like today, I think of him at every second. I wish so badly that he was here. I wish he had just a little bit longer than he did so he could see Samantha. I wish so badly that he had just a little bit longer so that he could be here to tell me everything will be ok. I wish he had just a little bit longer so he could be in Poland this year for the 70th anniversary of the Warsaw Uprising which he was part of. I miss my Papa. I miss him A LOT. It breaks my heart that he is still not here. Losing Jack was a tragedy. It was horrible, unexpected, and it shouldn't happen to anyone. Losing Papa was not. He died because he was old. He died because it was his time. But I still him constantly and I still wish that it didn't happen when it did. I wish that there was just a little bit more time that he could spend with his granddaughter.

Papo, if you can hear me: I love you. Kocham cie bardzo. You are always on my mind and I appreciate everything you have done for me in my life. You were the most amazing man that I am SO proud to call MY father. I hope that where ever you are, you are celebrating your birthday with your parents, with Strycio W, and with Jack.

Still hard

I write happy birthday on people's Facebook all the time. I always thought it was a nice reminder of people's birthdays that I would never know it was their birthday or for people around the world that I usually wouldn't call or write. But ever since losing Jack, the word "birthday" is still hard for me to say and write. I don't like the word anymore. I cringe every time it comes to my mind. Soon after Jack, I couldn't even let myself write it on Facebook. I would "miss" people's birthdays because I didn't want to write the word. 

Jack died before his birthday. Can I even called October 3rd his BIRTHday? I do anyway. Jack's date of death was before his birth. I can never explain how that feels. However, as the years pass, I want to celebrate his birthday no matter what. He deserves just as much as everyone else does, if not more. He is our son and he is amazing and he needs to be celebrated and not forgotten. 

Tragedy

A tragic event has struck a local family. A horrific boat accident has taken the lives of 4 people, including someone we somewhat know. I can not begin to imagine losing a child (again). I can't imagine living through such a terrible tragedy. And I can't imagine seeing my 20 year old lifeless daughter floating in the water. My heart aches for these families. I get emotional thinking about it. The emotions remind me of Jack and how I felt when I lost him. My mind just imagines how it would be like if I lost Samantha. I know I don't and can't compare the feelings that the parents and siblings of the lost ones are feeling. But being a parent and being a parent to a baby I have lost, I just feel extra emotions these days. And at the same time, the feelings of appreciation have come back stronger. I am grateful for the family I have, I am grateful for the friends I have, and I am grateful for the life I have (most of it). To be somewhat dramatic, I can say that I have had some bad luck these past few years. But losing Jack, and now from this, I try to remember that life is short and we never know what will happen. We need to appreciate what we have and tell everyone we love them before it's too late. I have regrets and they suck. And I don't want anymore. I want the people in my life to know I care about them and love them. I want to spend time with my family and enjoy every moment and make plenty of memories. I want Jack to be talked about more and I want his memory as a son and brother to live on forever.

Live your life to the fullest as much as you can. I know we can't all travel the world including myself. But cherish the moments you live. Life really is short.

Death

I'm used to death. Especially with an older generation. It doesn't hit me as hard I guess. But it still plain sucks. There's no other way to describe it. My uncle passed away today. Another loss in my life. My father's brother, the uncle I am closest to, the father of my cousins has passed away. I was there. Samantha was there. I cried. I watched my cousins and aunt cry. 

I continue to wonder what the afterlife is like. I continue to hope that there is a heaven where we can see our loved ones again. I only hoped that Papa left us and went to Jack. And now I can only hope that my uncle and father are together with their parents. Will I be able to see them again? I know it's a question many people have, but with all the recent losses in my life, I can only wonder.... 

Rest in peace, Strycio. 

In the face of another experience

A teacher at my school faced a loss yesterday. She was pregnant with a baby who's future was bleak no matter what she did. Her baby was destined to die. She decided to carry the baby until two days ago, she went in for an appointment, and they could not find a heart beat. Devastating news. Even if you are expecting it one day.
She went in yesterday for a termination. Not natural labor, not a C-section, but a termination. I felt awful. I told her my regrets. I told her how important it is to spend time with her daughter. I told her she IS a mother and that baby IS her daughter. I told how much I regret not spending more time with Jack. I told her much I wish I had more pictures of him. However, it's her choice, it's her life, and she did the termination. It saddens me, it angers me, and it devastates me. I HATE that people have to go through with this. It's not fair. How can God let women suffer like this? How can God give us children and simply take them away? Why give them to us in the first place???? I don't like to be this bitter, angry person who questions the existence of God, but what can you expect from me? People turn to God for answers but I can't find a decent one for this.
To my coworker, to the other women who have dealt with loss, to the women who feel the raw emotions that I feel, I am sorry. I am so very truly sorry for your loss and I wish that we never had to feel such pain and heart ache that we will live with forever.