It's just one of those days

There are the moments when a certain song comes on, I see his name in a random place, or the breeze hits me just right. These are the moments that I get choked up and the tears start to fall. It hits me on random days; days like today. I hear lyrics that make me think of Jack and I remember the raw feelings I felt when he was taken from us. I watch students singing their Christmas songs and playing instruments and I wonder if he would be into music and dancing. I see his name in a book that I am reading to my students and I want to scream and cry because Jack doesn't get to sit on a rug in a kindergarten class and listen to his teacher read to him. I go outside the weather is beautiful and all I can think about is how much I wanted to spend those beautiful days with him. Days like today hurt. They plain hurt. And there is nothing I can do it about it. And I know that I have many morning drives filled with tears. I know that I will have many more days when I will stare at children and think of my son. I have had so much heartache. I have felt so much pain. I have had my heart ripped out and a piece taken from me. And unfortunately, I know I have many more hurtful days ahead of me because Jack is not here with us.

"Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio"

A little bit of a shock

As I had said before, I am VERY proud and honored to be a part of my family. We have a very rich history, an amazing past, and interesting stories. And my father was one of the most integral and interesting parts of that history which makes me even more proud and honored. But anyway, because of our history and lineage, my cousin has been working on our genealogy and family tree. It's an ongoing task that I think he's been doing for a while. Yesterday, I had a bit of a pleasant surprise. He messaged me asking me Jack's information in order to put it in as part of his work on our genealogy. I wrote back writing Jack's full name and his birthday. I then wrote a simple thank you. Moments like that make me happy and are touching. My cousin making sure Jack is part of the family, part of a rich history, and not forgotten moved me more than anyone could imagine. It makes me happy to know that people out there do consider him my son and do consider him worth mentioning. I love that Jack is part of my amazing family and he deserves to be included in everything.