Grave

There are moments when I do with we buried Jack. There are moments when I wish that I could visit a headstone and sit with Jack and talk to him. He is always around my neck at least. Always with me. And Rocky Lake is his grave site. But it's also far. And the times that I can't go, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I'm not visiting my son. I'm not spending time with him. 

When I have my moments on the dock at Rocky Lake, tears fill my eyes as I talk to Jack. I tell him about what's going on in our lives. I tell him about how his sister is growing up. I ask him about Papa and ask if they're together. If we had a headstone somewhere closer, I could do this more often. And something is different about having him in an urn. 

Our lives have changed in so many ways. We have so many ups and downs. I don't know what the future is holding for us. I just know that this pain in my heart is not going away and I want to visit my son and see him so badly.

2.5

Dear Samantha,

You are almost two and a half years old. Everyone thinks you're 3 or 4 because of how tall you, because of how advanced you are, because of how amazing you are.

You have reached the Disney princess phase. You love the movie Frozen. You and I have seen the movie about 1000 times. You sing the songs, you imitate the movie, and you love Elsa. You pick up our eyelids and say "do you wanna build a snowman?" Though you love that movie, I love watching the classics that I love with you. I played Ariel in a family play so I love watching Little Mermaid with you. Cinderella was one of my favorites growing up so I love singing the songs with you. And my all time favorite, Sleeping Beauty, is one I can watch with you over and over! Bunia would get me a Disney movie every year for Christmas so watching them even reminds me of her. 

I will continue to write about you, about your growth, about your amazingness. And I hope that I will never lose the memories we are sharing.

I love you!!!!