It's been a while

Ups and downs. My life continues. My life continues to have good moments that I wonder how I should react to. 

My mind goes down when it comes to my life but then I have happy moments that make me wonder if I'm supposed to smile and have joy. Am I supposed to be sad? My marriage goes down over issues most marriages go through. But then the ups come back and I feel joy. But a part of me wonders if I am supposed to be happy. Should I still continue to feel pain? My relationships with friends falter and I ask myself what is meant to be. 

I live my life asking if I am supposed to continue to grieve or if I am supposed to move on. Is there a medium? No matter what happiness I feel in my life, I ask myself if I deserve it because of my loss. No matter how many smiles and good times I go through I wonder if I should feel guilty because my son is not with me to this day. It's so hard to ever be truly happy in any part of my life because Jack is not here......

 But no matter what, he is worth every moment, every pain, every question, every emotion.

Another death

Our darling Cosmo was put down yesterday. He was a crazy dog. He made me crazy at times. But through it all, he was the best companion we have had. We loved him and he loved us. He survived through a lot, but age finally got to him. His heart and his lungs couldn't do it anymore. We tried medicine, but it didn't seem to be working. It was more like torture for him. He didn't eat anymore. He looked so skinny. So, so skinny.

When I call the dogs to go out, I want to say his name. When I lie on the couch, I look for his ears to play with. When I feed the dogs, I look for the 3rd bowl. I miss him. A lot. I question if we should have waited a little longer. I question if we should have forced more medicine on him. But it was so hard to watch him how he was. He wasn't happy. He barely could move. I felt like it was time for him to go.

I wonder if dogs and people see each other after death. And as I have said it before, I sure hope so....

Grave

There are moments when I do with we buried Jack. There are moments when I wish that I could visit a headstone and sit with Jack and talk to him. He is always around my neck at least. Always with me. And Rocky Lake is his grave site. But it's also far. And the times that I can't go, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I'm not visiting my son. I'm not spending time with him. 

When I have my moments on the dock at Rocky Lake, tears fill my eyes as I talk to Jack. I tell him about what's going on in our lives. I tell him about how his sister is growing up. I ask him about Papa and ask if they're together. If we had a headstone somewhere closer, I could do this more often. And something is different about having him in an urn. 

Our lives have changed in so many ways. We have so many ups and downs. I don't know what the future is holding for us. I just know that this pain in my heart is not going away and I want to visit my son and see him so badly.

2.5

Dear Samantha,

You are almost two and a half years old. Everyone thinks you're 3 or 4 because of how tall you, because of how advanced you are, because of how amazing you are.

You have reached the Disney princess phase. You love the movie Frozen. You and I have seen the movie about 1000 times. You sing the songs, you imitate the movie, and you love Elsa. You pick up our eyelids and say "do you wanna build a snowman?" Though you love that movie, I love watching the classics that I love with you. I played Ariel in a family play so I love watching Little Mermaid with you. Cinderella was one of my favorites growing up so I love singing the songs with you. And my all time favorite, Sleeping Beauty, is one I can watch with you over and over! Bunia would get me a Disney movie every year for Christmas so watching them even reminds me of her. 

I will continue to write about you, about your growth, about your amazingness. And I hope that I will never lose the memories we are sharing.

I love you!!!!