It's been a while

Ups and downs. My life continues. My life continues to have good moments that I wonder how I should react to. 

My mind goes down when it comes to my life but then I have happy moments that make me wonder if I'm supposed to smile and have joy. Am I supposed to be sad? My marriage goes down over issues most marriages go through. But then the ups come back and I feel joy. But a part of me wonders if I am supposed to be happy. Should I still continue to feel pain? My relationships with friends falter and I ask myself what is meant to be. 

I live my life asking if I am supposed to continue to grieve or if I am supposed to move on. Is there a medium? No matter what happiness I feel in my life, I ask myself if I deserve it because of my loss. No matter how many smiles and good times I go through I wonder if I should feel guilty because my son is not with me to this day. It's so hard to ever be truly happy in any part of my life because Jack is not here......

 But no matter what, he is worth every moment, every pain, every question, every emotion.

Another death

Our darling Cosmo was put down yesterday. He was a crazy dog. He made me crazy at times. But through it all, he was the best companion we have had. We loved him and he loved us. He survived through a lot, but age finally got to him. His heart and his lungs couldn't do it anymore. We tried medicine, but it didn't seem to be working. It was more like torture for him. He didn't eat anymore. He looked so skinny. So, so skinny.

When I call the dogs to go out, I want to say his name. When I lie on the couch, I look for his ears to play with. When I feed the dogs, I look for the 3rd bowl. I miss him. A lot. I question if we should have waited a little longer. I question if we should have forced more medicine on him. But it was so hard to watch him how he was. He wasn't happy. He barely could move. I felt like it was time for him to go.

I wonder if dogs and people see each other after death. And as I have said it before, I sure hope so....

Grave

There are moments when I do with we buried Jack. There are moments when I wish that I could visit a headstone and sit with Jack and talk to him. He is always around my neck at least. Always with me. And Rocky Lake is his grave site. But it's also far. And the times that I can't go, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I'm not visiting my son. I'm not spending time with him. 

When I have my moments on the dock at Rocky Lake, tears fill my eyes as I talk to Jack. I tell him about what's going on in our lives. I tell him about how his sister is growing up. I ask him about Papa and ask if they're together. If we had a headstone somewhere closer, I could do this more often. And something is different about having him in an urn. 

Our lives have changed in so many ways. We have so many ups and downs. I don't know what the future is holding for us. I just know that this pain in my heart is not going away and I want to visit my son and see him so badly.

2.5

Dear Samantha,

You are almost two and a half years old. Everyone thinks you're 3 or 4 because of how tall you, because of how advanced you are, because of how amazing you are.

You have reached the Disney princess phase. You love the movie Frozen. You and I have seen the movie about 1000 times. You sing the songs, you imitate the movie, and you love Elsa. You pick up our eyelids and say "do you wanna build a snowman?" Though you love that movie, I love watching the classics that I love with you. I played Ariel in a family play so I love watching Little Mermaid with you. Cinderella was one of my favorites growing up so I love singing the songs with you. And my all time favorite, Sleeping Beauty, is one I can watch with you over and over! Bunia would get me a Disney movie every year for Christmas so watching them even reminds me of her. 

I will continue to write about you, about your growth, about your amazingness. And I hope that I will never lose the memories we are sharing.

I love you!!!!
 

Another year, another chapter

2014 is coming to a close. And it's another year that I don't have people in my life that I would kill to have here. 

I have spent the past couple of days with my sister and my mother. My mother of course is still unaware, still not there, and still no my mom the way I want to remember her. I observed how Samantha touches her or talks to her and my mother's response is like a stab in the heart. When she was my mom, she was in need of grandchildren. When she was my mom, she would have loved Samantha so much. When she was my mom, I would have been grateful to have her as Samantha's Bunia. Now Samantha spending time with her is more of an obligation to me so she at least knows who she is. Another year without my mom.

Of course as we spend time together, Papa is missing as well. Not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. It literally pains me that he does not know Samantha at this stage in her life. He would be so in love and so proud of her. It pains me that I can't smell my father one more time. I can't hear his laugh. And I can't feel the touch of his hand holding onto mine. Another year without Papa.

And my Jack Jack. My Prince. Let me count the stars and that still would not amount to the number of times that I think of having him in my arms. I was able to be "near" him Christmas night. I told him how much I wish I was able to give him a Christmas gift. To dress him up in Christmas pajamas. To watch him open presents. And to spend these holidays with him. Watching Samantha and having the moments with her is amazing but at the same time, I know I should be having the moments with her brother. Another year without Jack.

I am hoping for a good 2015. My years are never truly happy because I always have parts of me missing. My heart will never be healed enough to be truly happy. But I do wish for happiness for my family and friends. And their happiness would make me a little bit happier in the new year.

Here it comes

The holidays are a special time that I loved and still do. Slightly. But it's also the time when I miss Jack and my dad and my mom the most. I want to watch Jack open his gifts at Christmas. I want my dad to give me a hug and sit with us during Christmas Eve dinner. I want my mom to be the grandmother she's supposed to be to my children. 

And again, these are the negative things I don't have control over. These are the things that hurt my heart and affect my brain and make me lose sleep and make me have breakdowns while driving. 

I'm sorry to all of you who lost loved ones too soon who can't be with you this holiday season. I'm sorry to all those people who's parents and grandparents can't be with them. It plain sucks. I just hope that they are "with" us in some way or another.

Life in Negative Town

Don't you hate it when you're brain can't stop and it's all the negative thoughts? You lose sleep because you can't stop about everything that is unfair. You feel bitter and jealous. Well if you never felt that way, then stop reading because I don't want to be a discouraging b*tch. 

I miss being naive and stupid. I miss not having everything in my life that I want not in front of me. And it's things I can't fight to get back or fight to get at all. I miss not being bitter and jealous of things that I can't have anymore. I miss being happy for people without that bitter feeling lingering behind. I miss just being happy for the things I have like my job, my husband, my daughter, my friends, my sister... Instead, there is always something missing. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my life have been taken away. Things I want now or in the future, I can't have. Those are the thoughts and feelings that overcome my brain and heart. They keep me up at night. They take over the rest of me. They have changed me forever.