I have spent the past couple of days with my sister and my mother. My mother of course is still unaware, still not there, and still no my mom the way I want to remember her. I observed how Samantha touches her or talks to her and my mother's response is like a stab in the heart. When she was my mom, she was in need of grandchildren. When she was my mom, she would have loved Samantha so much. When she was my mom, I would have been grateful to have her as Samantha's Bunia. Now Samantha spending time with her is more of an obligation to me so she at least knows who she is. Another year without my mom.
Of course as we spend time together, Papa is missing as well. Not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. It literally pains me that he does not know Samantha at this stage in her life. He would be so in love and so proud of her. It pains me that I can't smell my father one more time. I can't hear his laugh. And I can't feel the touch of his hand holding onto mine. Another year without Papa.
And my Jack Jack. My Prince. Let me count the stars and that still would not amount to the number of times that I think of having him in my arms. I was able to be "near" him Christmas night. I told him how much I wish I was able to give him a Christmas gift. To dress him up in Christmas pajamas. To watch him open presents. And to spend these holidays with him. Watching Samantha and having the moments with her is amazing but at the same time, I know I should be having the moments with her brother. Another year without Jack.
I am hoping for a good 2015. My years are never truly happy because I always have parts of me missing. My heart will never be healed enough to be truly happy. But I do wish for happiness for my family and friends. And their happiness would make me a little bit happier in the new year.
