Here it comes

The holidays are a special time that I loved and still do. Slightly. But it's also the time when I miss Jack and my dad and my mom the most. I want to watch Jack open his gifts at Christmas. I want my dad to give me a hug and sit with us during Christmas Eve dinner. I want my mom to be the grandmother she's supposed to be to my children. 

And again, these are the negative things I don't have control over. These are the things that hurt my heart and affect my brain and make me lose sleep and make me have breakdowns while driving. 

I'm sorry to all of you who lost loved ones too soon who can't be with you this holiday season. I'm sorry to all those people who's parents and grandparents can't be with them. It plain sucks. I just hope that they are "with" us in some way or another.

Life in Negative Town

Don't you hate it when you're brain can't stop and it's all the negative thoughts? You lose sleep because you can't stop about everything that is unfair. You feel bitter and jealous. Well if you never felt that way, then stop reading because I don't want to be a discouraging b*tch. 

I miss being naive and stupid. I miss not having everything in my life that I want not in front of me. And it's things I can't fight to get back or fight to get at all. I miss not being bitter and jealous of things that I can't have anymore. I miss being happy for people without that bitter feeling lingering behind. I miss just being happy for the things I have like my job, my husband, my daughter, my friends, my sister... Instead, there is always something missing. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my life have been taken away. Things I want now or in the future, I can't have. Those are the thoughts and feelings that overcome my brain and heart. They keep me up at night. They take over the rest of me. They have changed me forever.