Missing Papa

It's been two years since Papa passed away. And everyday I see Samantha grow, it hurts me more and more that he's not here to see here. I know, I know. He's "watching" over her, but it's not the same. Trust me. Not having a parent around to be a grandparent for your child is really, really hard. Especially when that parent was so awesome and he was so in love with Samantha. I wonder if this is how my parents felt about the fact that my sister and I did not have time with our grandparents. Because it really hurts. But of course, I can't ask them. 

Papo, you were the most amazing, kind, and loving father. I am so happy and proud that I am able to call you my father. I miss you. I miss you so much. I'm sorry for all the times I did not show the appreciation you deserved. I'm sorry I did not spend more time with you when I should have. I am so happy that you got to meet Samantha. And it makes me so sad that you can't be a physical part of her life. I do hope that you are with Jack though. Kocham cie.

Years...

The 20th of this month marks 2 years since losing my father. And then of course, October 3rd marks 3 years since losing Jack. As I think of these days, my chest already tightens and my eyes begun to water. The pain feels good because it brings me close to them, but it also hurts because I wish it wasn't so. 3 years is a long time, but at the same time, it's not a long time. The pain is still fresh, but I'm sure people expect me to have moved on or to be over it. But it's the opposite. The pain is still there and it hurts even more because Jack isn't the topic on my lips all the time. It hurts even more because people don't remember that his birthday is upon us. It hurts even more because I should have a 3 year old boy by my side. 

Losing my father hurts me more because he's not here to be part of Samantha's life. It kills me that she can't get to know him. And it kills me that he can't see the child she has become. He would be obsessed with her. I don't have the closure I need to feel of Samantha having met my parents as grandparents. And I will never have that closure and it will hurt me for the rest of my life.

I loved the fall months. I loved this time of year. But now, as the weather cools, as the holidays approach us, I begin to feel more and more heart ache as the days pass.