I am reading the amazing book, "Three Minus One". If you ever want to read emotional writing written by people have been through what I have been through (and worse)so you can really get a grasp on it, read this book. If you know, if you know what I went through, you will think to yourself that it reminds you of me. It will remind you of the experiences I went through. It will remind you of the words I said and wrote down.
I was reading last night and so many of the entries remind me of Jack. His name is not brought up as much anymore. It comes up randomly with only certain people. People have moved on; and so they should. But I miss talking about Jack. I think about it him at least three to four times a day (I count). I talk to him every night when I put Samantha to bed. I say hi to him when I look at his picture and his urn. And I tell Samantha about him when I put her to sleep and when she holds onto my necklace. But I don't talk about the raw emotions that I feel. I don't talk about Jack to everyone like I talk about Samantha. And that makes me sad.
There are certain children I can not feel comfortable around. I look at them, I think of Jack. It's hard for me to be around these people. Sure, it's not often, but when it happens, I can't find the strength to act like it's normal. Maybe it's wrong of me. Maybe it's uncomfortable for people. But I'm sorry, I can't change how I feel.
Jack has taught me A LOT about life. He has taught me not take things for granted. He has taught me that life is short. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff and to appreciate the things and people I do have in my life. I try to be positive. I try to tell myself when I have a bad day that things could be worse. "Your baby died, Krysia, you can handle a rough day with 18 kindergarteners." Doesn't sound very positive I guess, but hey, whatever works. But the point is, my baby DID die. It was the worst experience I have ever faced and I know I WILL ever face. If something bothers me, I try to take a step back and remember that things really could be worse. And most importantly, Jack has taught me how to be a mother. He has taught me to love Samantha more than I thought I ever could. He has taught me to appreciate how truly amazing she really is. He has taught me to be thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY for her.
Anyway, as I continue to read this book, I am reminded of my emotions and feelings that I faced almost 3 years ago. I am thinking of Jack more each day than I have been in the past few months. And I am reminded that other women out there have gone through what I have gone through. And that helps.
If you would like to read a book, read this one. It's hard. It's sad. It's depressing. But it's amazing. It's amazing what these people went through and how they are still standing.
